Comedy

5 Cheap Fitness Equipment Replacements

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Fun Guy Friday: Your weekly dose of fitness satire. 

Just as we all face the inevitability of death, your club’s equipment will too one day perish. Instead of investing $6000 in a treadmill that will break down and join the rust heap in the sky anyways, consider some of these extremely low-cost equipment alternatives.

1. Free Weights - Bucket of Rocks

Forget purchasing an entire set of free weights, why not invest in a timeless, eco-friendly bucket of rocks? Members hate waiting around for the 20lb dumbbells to become available. Now, they won’t have to. They can just add or subtract rocks from their bucket until they find their perfect weight. Additionally you can give your club some community flair by letting members paint the rocks, and save money through crowdsourcing by asking your members to bring rocks from home.

2. Yoga Mats - Old Rug

carpet-t-crop.jpgYoga mats are disgusting. No amount of Lysol can salvage the sweat, stray hairs and fitness-related sadness that seeps into yoga mats. Drop the pretense of cleanliness and stop purchasing new mats every few months. Call a spade a spade and just use old carpet patches. Is your old bathroom floor mat really that different than the yoga mat “Sweaty Mike” just used? Let's be real; no one actually wipes down their own mat without being publicly shamed into doing it, and I’ve been to at least two yoga classes.

3. Stairmaster - Cinder Block Stairs

cinderblock-t.jpgClubs spend thousands of dollars investing in machines that allow members to walk up stairs endlessly, but no one ever thinks about walking down stairs. Did you know that the average American has 63% smaller leg muscles since 1857? That’s because we only work out the walking up muscles, and ignore our walking down muscles. Now your members won’t have to choose--when they walk up your cinderblock steps, they’re going to have to walk down too. 

4. Jump Rope - Any Rope

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Your members can simultaneously master the essential 2016 skill of knot tying while developing calluses that will strengthen their hands from errant sharp objects. Look at ropeburn as character building, not a punishment.

 5. Old Tire and Sledgehammer - Old Tire and Sledgehammer

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Nothing makes members feel more rugged than wailing on an old tire until exhaustion. If your club doesn’t have a giant old tire, get one. Kids love to play in them, members love to hit them and passerbyers (potential new members!) will stop to gawk. At least I always do. What other equipment can you legitimately source from the town dump? Support recycling and get your club a large tire today.


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