Comedy

5 Outside the Box Ways to Reach Your Fitness Goals

Fun Guy Friday: Your weekly dose of fitness satire.

Losing weight is the goal of almost every health club member but sometimes it seems those last 10 pounds are always out of reach. You've tried all the fitness fads but nothing has worked for you. Don't give up, there's still hope, it just takes a little ingenuity.

Here are 5 innovate ways for you to reach your fitness goals:

1. Reverse Age

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Making the conscious decision to age in reverse has become increasingly more popular in recent years. As you grow older your metabolism slows down and it becomes harder and harder to lose weight, so choose to start growing younger and go from wrinkled to ripped in no time.

2. Notarize Your Goals

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Having a legally binding document that holds you accountable is a great way to make sure you workout. Start with something simple like: “If I don’t lose 10 pounds in three weeks I bequeath my house and family to my health club” and go from there. The thought of your kids being raised by treadmills will give you that extra level of motivation that you need.

3. Surgically Remove Your Hypothalamus

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This seems like a no brainer. You’ll never feel fatigued again, and you finally can stop wasting time with things like thirst, hunger and sleep to focus on working out. Say goodbye to regulated body temperature and those pesky circadian rhythms and say “hello” to the new you.

4. Face Off

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Much like the hit movie starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, this method involves you using high powered lasers to cut your face off and attach it to another person’s body. All you need to do is find someone with the body you want and assume their identity. In the past year we’ve seen more gyms offer this feature to members due to its effectiveness.

5. Abduct a Family Member of Liam Neeson

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This trend has taken the fitness world by storm. Do you think people keep taking his family for the money? Of course not. It’s because nothing gets your adrenaline pumping quite like being man-hunted by an Oscar nominated actor. You’ll be running and fighting for your life in no time, providing a dynamic workout that’s hard to beat.

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