Comedy

7 Reasons Why You Should Move Your Gym Into Space

Fun Guy Friday: Your weekly dose of fitness satire.

space-fgf

With so much competition in the fitness industry today your health club has to have that differentiating factor. Members want a new experience that makes them want to come back every week. Trends come and go, but creating an environment they can’t get anywhere else will bring success to your gym for years to come.

Here are 7 reasons why you should move your gym into space:

1. Space Is Closer Than You Think

space-car

Space officially begins at the universal marker of the Karman Line, which is 100 km above the Earth. In theory, if you drove your car upwards, you could be in space in less than an hour. That’s shorter than most morning commutes.

2. Members Will Be Taller

tall-space-men

The human spine straightens out in micro-gravity making people grow as much as 2 inches taller. Imagine being able to guarantee that members will instantly grow taller by joining your gym. That’s a reality of putting your gym into space.

3. It Smells Great

space-steak

According to astronauts, space smells like seared steak, hot metal and welding fumes. Mmmmmm. Maybe it’s just my personal affinity for the musty aroma of welding fumes, but I refuse to smell anything else while I’m working out.

4. No More Tear-Soaked Floors

space-cry

Sick of the slippery floors caused by your members have a mental breakdown? In space, water will cling to a surface until it’s dislodged, meaning a safe, dry workout experience for everyone.

5. Superior Cockroaches

space-roach

Science has proven that cockroaches raised in space become quicker, stronger, faster and tougher than cockroaches on earth. This will be that extra perk to sell to that prospective member that expects only the most evolutionarily superior insects at their health club.

6. You Can Still Use Boomerangs

space-boomerang

The human race has been hesitant to migrate civilization into space due to the lack of research on the effectiveness of space boomerangs. But thanks to astronaut Takao Doi we’ve thankfully confirmed that a life in space doesn’t mean a life without our precious boomerangs.

7. There’s a Pretty Good Chance You’ll Run Into Matt Damon

damon-space

Seriously, this dude LOVES space. Whether he’s being left behind by his crew or trapped in space and doing whatever it takes to find a way back, Matt Damon is probably stranded on a planet somewhere as you’re reading this.

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