Fun Guy Friday: Your weekly dose of fitness satire
Do you struggle to find the motivation to workout? Do you find yourself halfheartedly jogging for 20 minutes before quitting and going home? I have found a science-based solution to motivation issues in the gym: I eat an entire large pizza in my car before I workout every Tuesday. This gives me that mental edge I need to give 110%, because I know that I only have 20 minutes to workout before I get so sick that I need to go home.
The ultimate pre-workout drink for carbo-loading to take your endurance workouts to the next level. And who doesn’t enjoy working out buzzed? Take a look at Miller 64, which has less calories than apple juice, and is therefore totally healthier! Plus if you’re in college, or are just cheap, you probably already have a slightly broken case of Keystone Light under your bed already.
This is a joke, of course. Remember: fruit is nature’s candy, and belongs in your stomach. Vegetables are nature’s garbage, and belongs where they came from: the dirt. Throw any kale your family or significant other serves you in your garden to compost. Do not trust anyone who offers you kale.
A child being indoctrinated against her will into the Cult of Kale
4. Bone Marrow Milkshake
This is what organic eating is all about. Here’s a cheap and easy recipe for maximizing your gains while getting in touch with nature:
Step 1: Track and kill an animal with enough bone marrow for the milkshake. For smaller game such as squirrels this may require multiple hunts.
Step 2: Extract the marrow.
Step 3: Blend with your favorite mix (I find adding extra bananas creates a nice texture).
Step 4: Enjoy your gains, straight from Mother Earth.
While escargot is high on protein (and low on calories), eating escargot is more about providing nutrients for your brain, not your body. With every slimy, rubbery bite, reflect on the fact that the slow get eaten. Remind yourself that if you don’t reach your peak physical state, you could end up like the lightly roasted slowpoke that sits on the plate before you. Survival of the fittest. But you’re no snail. You eat snails, whether it's literally on your plate, or metaphorically in the gym and at your workplace.
You’ve been fooled by the Starbucks cartel - caffeine is extremely dangerous. Did you know that caffeine is linked to insomnia, early death, and worst of all gout attacks? No one needs a gout attack. Instead of latte-ing yourself to an early death, try Nicotine gum to give yourself that boost of energy you need in the morning. [Editor's Note: do not try Nicotine Gum]
7. Breast Milk
Scientists claim that breast milk has no appreciable additional nutritional value for adults, and is in fact most likely harmful for adults who consume it. In fact, a study found that of 101 samples purchased online, 63% tested positive for staphylococcus (staph infection bacteria), 36% for streptococcus (strep throat bacteria), and 3% for salmonella. But the dozens of grown men sketchily buying breast milk on Craigslist as a workout supplement can’t all be wrong, right? For the low low price of $2.50/oz, you too can experience enhanced gains, with a possible side of staph infection.