Comedy

Super Bowl 50 Fitness Brawl

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Fun Guy Friday: Your weekly dose of fitness satire.

After a season full of insufferable Deflategate Hot Takes, Super Bowl 50 is finally here! We’re here to break the big game down for you--but instead of discussing irrelevant things like “What team wants it more” or “Which QB has the best fashion sense” (Hint: It’s not the guy who tucks his jersey into his jeans on national TV), we’re going to break it down by what matters--speed and size. Who is fit enough to survive the 60 minute battle for glory?

Speed

Broncos: Broncos receiver Demaryius Thomas’ impressive 4.38 second 40-yard-dash time makes him dangerous everywhere on the field. Unfortunately for him, quarterback and part-time pizza huckster Peyton Manning can’t throw the ball farther than 15 yards anymore.

Panthers: The Panthers have one of the fastest to ever do it in receiver Ted Ginn Jr. His official 40-yard-dash time is 4.28 seconds, although he claims he ran a 4.22 in college. Although his stone hands frequently fail him -- Ginn dropped the ball over 10% of the time this year, 2nd worst in the NFL -- Ginn reached a top speed of over 22 miles per hour in a game this season. Although not as fast as an actual panther (panthers can reach speeds of 35 mph), it’ll be a tough task for any Broncos to keep up. 

 While tenths of a second doesn’t seem like a big deal, 0.2 seconds is the difference between Cam Newton and Peyton Manning’s combine 40-yard-dash times!

The Edge: Panthers. Despite being sometimes discussed as more of a complex military operation than a sport, football is fairly simple. Many of the great teams have something in common: a dude who can run really really fast in a straight line, and a QB who can get them the ball downfield. Both teams have the speed on offense, but if Peyton continues to throw tunnel-of-love-speed passes, all that quickness is irrelevant.

Size: Biggest Player

louis_vasquez_c_t.pngPhoto Credit: Peter G. Aiken/Getty Images: http://espn.go.com/blog/denver-broncos/post/_/id/13351/ryan-cladys-injury-makes-broncos-offensive-line-a-bigger-work-in-progress

Broncos: Louis Vasquez. The 6’5” offensive guard weighs in at a staggering 335 pounds, which outweighs a baby elephant by 30lbs. He’s much faster than one too--Vasquez can run over 7.5 yards per second at his top speed.

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Photo Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports: http://phxux.usatoday.com/sports/services/photos/USATSI-132568/

Panthers: Chris Scott. The 6’4” offensive tackle weighs in at an even heavier 340 pounds. If he indulges in the occasional ice cream in the offseason, he would reach the same weight as a baby killer whale.

Edge: Tie. Both get credit for wearing their 330+ pounds with grace. While both admittedly have a little bit of a gut going on, neither can really be described as fat, as they both are absurdly in-shape...unlike a certain running back who ruined thousands of fantasy football seasons because he was thirty pounds overweight (I’m not bitter or anything).

Best Shirtless QB:

Peyton Manning vs. Cam Newton

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Cam Photo Credit: Under Armor: http://tsminteractive.com/shirtless-cam-newton-underwear-ads-hhunk/. Peyton Photo Credit: bilerico.com 

Edge: Peyton. It’s easy for Cam to take his shirt off when he looks like a photoshopped advertisement for post-workout protein. I have to give Peyton the edge here for rocking his dadbod with pride. Even with 5 NFL MVP Awards, it’s hard to show off your muffin top to the world.

Tiebreaker Award: Best Quads

While Broncos rookie offensive lineman Robert Myers will likely be relegated to the sideline on Sunday, you won’t be able to miss him on TV. He's called Quadzilla for a reason. 

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Photo Credit: David J. Phillip / AP http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/chi-quadzilla-robert-myers--invades-nfl-scouting-combine-20150220-htmlstory.html

His quads likely are a majority of his 326 pound weight. They're reportedly 33 inches in circumference. One day they will likely have their own zip code.

Winner: Broncos!

Based on my extremely scientific quadriceps-based analysis, I’ve come to the irrefutable conclusion that the Broncos are the fittest team. Here’s to an injury-free, exciting game on Sunday!


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